West Ham to appoint Simon Cowell as manager

East End football outfit West Ham have announced they will be revealing Simon Cowell as their new manager within days. Cowell, famous for being the nasty one off X Factor and for wearing ridiculously long trousers, will be unveiled to the press and fans later this week after signing a five-year deal at The Boleyn Ground.

The appointment has come as a surprise to many pundits, who fail to see the qualifications of a musical entrepreneur for managing an ambitious Premiership club; however, West Ham chairman Scott Duxbury found it simple to justify the move.

“I had been drinking at the time,” he confirmed.

After Alan Curbishley resigned due to an alleged transfer passivity sabotaging his alleged vision and alleged tactical planning, Cowell is likely to bring a far more authoritarian approach to the dressing room, which already boasts the fiery personalities of captain Lucas Neill, amateur golfer Craig Bellamy and occasional footballer Kieron Dyer. However, having already made some important decision, Cowell feels able to cope with the heat.

“The first thing I did on getting the job was ring Lee Bowyer,” said the square-headed Cowell. “I just said ‘look Lee- you haven’t got it. It’s a no from me.’ He is now on the transfer list and I will be accepting bids of £7.20 or over.”

While his knowledge of football is likely to be limited, Cowell already has plans to widen the image and appeal of the club, bringing with him his own marketing team. Plans include regular tours with the team spending their summers from now on playing games daily in various cities before probably developing drug addictions and flashing their genitalia at reporters.

Many fans are appalled at the apparent transformation of their club into a money-making machine. Pete from Bishops Stortford said “It’s a bloody disgrace. I’d like being able to phone in and vote for the starting eleven, but I don’t like the idea of making them play in vests. It’s all just a bit boy band- we’re not Spurs!”

Cowell has stopped filming the current series of X Factor in order to dedicate himself to his new role, and will be holding auditions for new players in the near future. You will be able to tune in to “Hammer Factor” and the spin-off “Hammer Time: After the Whistle” presented by Tim Lovejoy on ITV from the end of the January transfer window.