Breaking News… Rooney, Newcastle, Tottenham, Hull

WAYNE ROONEY’S son has been named ‘Kai’. Apparently, in Burma it means unbreakable, in Nigeria it can mean love, in Japan it translates as the ocean and in Chinese Mandarin it means victory. In ancient Persian it means Great King and in Scandinavia it can mean keeper of the keys. Whilst in England it means a f***ing good beating when he goes to school with a stupid name like that.

ANY sponsorship of Newcastle United’s ground will include @StJames’Park in its official title. Lets hope the rights don’t go to the magazine: Gay Times.

TOTTENHAM manager Harry Redknapp will use a clips of goalkeeper Heurelho Gomes’s mistakes against Arsenal as evidence he should launch a January bid for Portsmouth number one David James. Obviously Harry is unaware of the David James boxset volumes 1-12.

NEW Hull chairman Adam Pearson has reassured fans that the Tigers will not be forced to sell their best players to reduce their £40m wage bill. Yeah, because they don’t have any.

FORMER Liverpool and England winger John Barnes, who was sacked by Tranmere Rovers in October after only four months in charge, is close to being appointed the new national boss of Rwanda. And we thought Rwanda had enough problems!