Breaking News… Man United, Cole, Wenger

MANCHESTER UNITED have turned to a sleep expert, with players receiving professional tips on how to sleep. And it seems to have worked looking at their ‘defending’ against Arsenal.

ANDREW COLE has finally announced his retirement from playing football - he’s decided to play for Stoke instead.

MANCHESTER UNITED’S training sessions at their Carrington training ground are being disrupted by dive-bombing geese flying in from a nearby nature reserve. They’ve obviously been watching Ronaldo train.

ARSENE WENGER is chasing Southampton’s teenage wonder kid Morgan Schneiderlin. Child Protection have been called.

THE EX-GIRLFRIEND of suspended Premier League referee Mark Clattenburg has been arrested on suspicion of trashing his £40,000 Porsche. So another bad decision he’s made there.