Breaking News… Liverpool, Man United, Middlesbrough

Adios, no!

DARREN FLETCHER’s house was, apparently, robbed by the same Liverpool-based gang that targeted a number of footballers recently. A spokesman said: “Well, its the only way you’ll ever see a Premier League winners medal in Merseyside.”

AIR ASIA are attempting to become Manchester United’s new club sponsors. A spokesman said, “It makes sense as most of their fans already use us to fly back to home.”

INTER MILAN coach Jose Mourinho had a bottle of wine worth 300 Euros delivered to Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson’s hotel room before Tuesday’s Champions League game. “It’s nice to get an absurdly over-rated, over-priced, vintage red.” Said the wine.

MIDDLESBROUGH have watched highlights from earlier in the season in an effort to lift morale as they have gone 14 Premier League games without a win. Unfortunately, most of the squad missed the footage as they blinked.

MIDDLESBROUGH have also sent notes to their fans asking them to cut down the “constant banging and noise from the back of the stand.” Apparently its interrupting the players’ sleep.