Breaking News… Riise, Ronaldo, Diouf

LIVERPOOL’s John Arne Riise is still inconsolable after his last minute own-goal for Chelsea, despite his girlfriend greeting him at home completely naked on their bed. Apparently, he put it in the wrong end again.

ANY corruption unearthed in the Zimbabwe elections saga could see Robert Mugabe facing a stiff penalty. Fortunately for him, Cristiano Ronaldo is taking it.

BOLTON’s El Hadji-Diouf is delighted to be linked with a move to Manchester City, mainly because City’s training ground is within spitting distance of his house.

DERBY could sign Everton midfielder Lee Carsley as manager Paul Jewell prepares for the Championship and, in the long-run, League One.

FULHAM’s relegation-bound position has left owner Mohammed Al Fayed in no doubt of who to blame. He told the board, “It was Prince Phillip, in the dining room with the candle stick!”