Breaking News… Gazza, Rooney, Torres, Keegan

Chips!

ALTON TOWERS have named their latest rollercoaster Gazza after customers labelled the ride as ‘f**king mental.’

MANCHESTER UNITED striker Wayne Rooney is ready to give up learning the guitar after struggling with the basics and complaining it “is doing my head in”. Apparently, he couldn’t get it out of the case.

DERBY midfielder Robbie Savage has splashed out £160,000 on a new Mercedes, painted in the colours associated with the club – dark brown.

LIVERPOOL striker Fernando Torres says he wants to stay at the club for the rest of his career - as long as they start winning trophies. He’s set to leave in the summer.

KEVIN KEEGAN says he needs five new players to transform his Newcastle team. But only if they’re allowed to field them in addition to the existing eleven.

LIVERPOOL striker Fernando Torres is a bit of a comedian. His impressions of Steven Gerrard and Jamie Carragher have the players in stitches - mainly because anyone that laughs at them gets a beating.

CARLISLE have dismissed rumours that 17-year-old striker Gary Madine is on his way to Newcastle. “He’s not that s**t,” said a spokesperson.